Healing Needed

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God if you love me please heal me
Please take away all the pain and make me into who I’m supposed to be
I’m talking about the bitterness in my heart and this pain in my side
I’m talking about all the hateful thoughts I keep bottled up inside
Please forgive me, please give me another chance
Don’t let this be the end, don’t let this be my last dance
I can’t afford health problems right now, I can’t do that to my mom
She’s been through enough, if You don’t do it for me do it for my mom
I know she’s used to pain, I know she’s strong
I know she can be a lot, I know sometimes she’s wrong
But this will kill her mentally and spiritually
I’m sorry, I know it’s all my, fault trust me
I should’ve turned to You instead of the bottle
I should’ve prayed for our relationship instead of lottery numbers and models
I’m so stupid, I’m a certified fool
I’m such a disgrace, I’m such a tool
Please forgive me is all I can say
Please don’t let Your purpose for me die this way

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AA

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Who do I have, who wants to talk to me
Which one of you girls isn’t influenced by money
I’m talking Jasmine, Caity and Mari
I’m talking all the girls who deserve an apology
You don’t deserve this, you don’t need me
You don’t need someone who always owes you an apology
I need help, I’m an addict, I admit it
That’s I’m going dark for a while, I’m hoping you can get forget it
I’m on a quest to get sober and healthy
I have a goal to be sexy and wealthy
Maybe then Steph will see me in a romantic way
Maybe then Jasmine won’t have to think about rather or not she wants to stay
Oh happy day and I’m not talking about the song
Yes I need forgiveness, yes I was wrong
On the quest to be better I lost myself
I’m ashamed of myself and I need some help
Your speculations were true, yeah you were right
Yeah I don’t deserve you but yeah I’m still willing to fight
I don’t wanna lose you, I can’t lose you
I love you, I swear I love you which means it’s definitely true

“I need a break”

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I’m not the same person you used to know
You don’t deserve me like this, I should go
I’m taking a break from everything, I need some space
I need some prayers and scriptures, I need to be someone I can face
No more FB posts, Grammies or Snaps
Just the audio bible, meditation and naps
I know you hate it but it’s something I gotta do
I’m tired of drunk texts and conversations leading to apologies to you
I’m tired of the being the topic of bad conversations
I’m tired of brutal truths and relationships with complications
I wanna be happy, I wanna be in love
I wanna be someone someone out there can’t stop thinking of

“How are you” and “That’s not true”

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Reporting live from the city of rock bottom
The place where problems add up without the answers to solve them
The heat in my hand burning like my sins and passion
My passion to be great despite my suicidal distraction
Debating over razors, registered guns and pills
Anything that’ll take me out without having to feel
Just another victim of depression enter the suicidal obsession
Chardonnay and Moscato are you’re only chance of confession
Mentally ill so offing myself is just playing it safe
It’s that or fantasies about the day I can actually afford a safe
I’m talking about Hollywood and Beverly Hills
I’m talking about a place where nothing is real
The perfect place for someone who lives in dreams
If only I could avoid what the bad ones mean

Looking

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Nowadays I’m not the one for commitment
If those are ever the terms I just say forget it
But at least I’m straight up
At least I’m not the type to give up
Bottles of moscato and sangria for the pain
Sometimes I get so drunk I can barely remember my name
Desperate to feel something and stay sane
I really hate how you make me out to be the one to blame
Looking for love online
I just want someone to call mine
I just want someone who wants me
I just want you honestly

The Last

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Today I felt hopeful for the first time
For the first time death wasn’t on my mind
Then the pain alcohol reminded me
That me, life and happiness just aren’t meant to be
To be honest I really don’t wanna die
I don’t wanna leave without saying goodbye
I wanna be healthy, I don’t want this addiction
I want a girl like Mel to make loving me her life mission
I’m tired of the bottle and all this conviction
I’m tired of my mistakes making me and honorable mention

What About You

Is it still too late buy alcohol
Is it still too late to call
After all I don’t have that much time
There’s a reason why death is always on my mind
Pain in my side, probably liver failure
I should probably play it safe with her
It’s probably better if I keep my distance
I know I sound crazy, I know I don’t make sense
But there’s nothing special about me I promise
I promise I’m not someone you’ll ever miss
Just ask Michelle, Ana, and Gisele
Just ask all the girls that found lies easier to tell
Apparently I wasn’t worth it and probably true
You tell me not talk like that but what do you think
What about you